If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
