i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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