I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize