she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
