I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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