im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
