making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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