can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
