I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
