If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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