You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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