i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
