Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
