my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
