You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
