She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
