Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
