The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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