Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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