I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
