That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
