new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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