The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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