so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
