I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
