I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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