WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
