He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize