im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
