I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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