My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
