my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
