I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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