When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i think my cat just said my name.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
