Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
