I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
