walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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