I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
