we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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