That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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