Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
