Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
