Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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