The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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