You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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