Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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