Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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