Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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