I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize