Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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