Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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