I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Houston, we have a squirter
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize