i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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