i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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