I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
