I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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