normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
