if only i could text you this smell
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
