you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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