Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize
