gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
