I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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