apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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