Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
