who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize