Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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