I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
