before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
