he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
