you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
